Insomnia

It has been 24 days since I last slept longer than 2 hours uninterrupted.  Last night as I was driving home from Clarise's house I fell asleep at the wheel long enough to swerve into the rumble strips on 40.  I had the AC on high and  the window down all the way after that wake up call.  That rumble strip could have been another car. .

It is not safe for me to drive.  If my body is so damned tired it is falling asleep at the wheel, why won't it stay asleep in the bed?

I called the doctor yesterday afternoon to see if I could get in today (Friday) or Monday, but they said my doctor "is booked until August, will that be OK?"  No, I need him now.  I already have an appointment on the 25th of July, I need one sooner. "Call back tomorrow at 8am and we can try to fit you in as a same day sick appointment."  Does this make sense?

And the pain I am feeling.... It goes from my neck to my tail bone.  PT helps, a lot, while I am there, and for the night after, but then it comes searing back.  I only lasted from 6:30am to 1pm yesterday at work until I had to leave until the pain was so bad. Not to mention I was passing out for seconds at my desk.  I'm a mess.  I really hope the doctor can fix me this time.

Today can suck it

Still not sleeping, I have been up since 2 something.  Driving down 540 this morning this noise is coming from the driver's side of the engine and/or wheel or my car.  It sounds like metal scraping against metal. It suddenly stops right before I hit #1.  I get to work before 6:45am, actually get a spot on the black top, and walk in.  The mechanic doesn't open until 8:30am.  I have no work do at all, so I futz around on the internet and text Justin a lot to pass the time.

8:30 rolls around and I call the mechanic.  Yet again, he is stumped by my description.  He wants me to bring in the car, but doesn't want me to drive it and make it any worse.  I explain I am Sanford, which is about 40 miles away.  He asks if I know of anywhere in Sanford I could take it to, I don't.  So I decide so get the car towed back to Cary, and rent a car for a few days, again.  I get on the Geico app because I have roadside assistance.  They only cover 20 miles, and it will be $5 per mile after that.  Whatever.  Just get my car to my mechanic so he can fix my damn car.

The tow truck gets to work and I navigate him to where I am parked.  Meanwhile the security guard gets to him before I do and asks him why he is there.  Apparently tow trucks are not allowed on the premises AT ALL, and I should have warned security.  I apologize, stating I didn't know this was a rule.  He says it isn't a rule.  Whatever.  Just let the damn guy get to my damn car already.

I deal with the tow truck, and the extra $5 per mile bullshit (OK, I can't complain too much, my insurance is very inexpensive)  and head back into work.  One of the security guards stops me so she can write down the tow truck information in the log book, and I kind of lose it.

I am so stressed out. I am so sick of all this bad shit happening to me. Tomorrow will be three weeks of bad juju.  I explain all this to Tammy, the security guard, who is super nice, and she gives me a hug and some tissues, and talks to me to get me to calm down. I explain to her that I got in the car wreck, got injured, and haven't slept since the 20th of June, and everything is getting to me. She suggested I smudge my apartment.  I am taking her advice and smudging the apartment and my car.

I made so many phone calls today, it is a wonder I got anything else done today at all.  I called to get a rental for a few days (I called them twice), the mechanic several times, I called a lawyer because Allstate has yet to return my call from last week and I am over doing anything by myself.  I spoke with geico several times, the tow truck people, the lawyer a few times, the Apex police twice, I called my dad.  My doctor called me to change my appointment, which then double booked me, so I then had to call my PT and change that appointment.  I then had to call PT back and cancel tomorrow's appointment because I just don't have the time to do it.  Then PT called me back to see how I was doing and if I could squeeze a session in.  Then dad texted me and asked me over for dinner.  At least I didn't have to think about dinner anymore this evening.

I am being pulled in too many directions. I just want it all to stop.  LIKE STOP. NOW. No wonder I'm not sleeping.  I don't have any time to do anything.

Moving on, I left work early because the lawyer needed a copy of the police report and the Apex PD is only open 9-5 Monday through Friday, and I had to have Mike take me to get a car first. Getting a car took forever in Sanford.  When I got a car in Cary on Thursday I was in and out in 5 minutes.  In Sanford it took like 30 minutes. I didn't think I would make it to the police station in time.  But luckily I did.  I then went and had a lovely dinner with my parents where my Dad and lovely surprise waiting for me.  Not going to ruin the surprise for the rest of the family who may read this.  My lips are sealed.

And now I sit here, in pain and trying to relax, sipping on a cocktail in the silence, waiting for the stress and pain to melt away.

Today can suck it.

And the hits, they keep coming

I was driving to my first PTSD counseling appointment this morning and I tried to turn the corner and the power steering went out in my car, I missed the real turn, ended up driving down the wrong side of the road, turned into the parking lot of my counselor and the car just stops. I then realize it is no longer running. I turn the key, nothing happens. I freak out. I am blocking the entrance to the parking lot. I turn on my hazards and call my parents, frantic and crying. I text my counselor to reschedule, but she comes out to calm me down instead, having our session outside at my broken car instead. Meanwhile, a good samaritan saw me crying at my car and helped me move the car into a spot so I wasn't blocking the right of way. Dad shows up and tries to start the car, it turns over, but won't idle, and I start smelling burned stuff.

So we hop in his car and drive to three different mechanics before we find one that can take me today just to look at it. I tell them all it is a sign of a good economy if people are fixing their cars. We then get back to my car, call AAA and wait. I make several phone calls - work to let know that I might not be in, insurance to see if I am covered for a rental (I am not), the collision place I am taking my car to tomorrow to get an estimate on the damage from the accident to cancel my appointment, and Enterprise to get a rental for a few days.

Tow truck finally comes and they put poor Chloe up on the bed. At this point everyone we have talked to is stumped as to why she stalled out. They follow us to the mechanic and then I go get the rental. I am in a Jeep Patriot for a few days, and I like it. It rides really nice. I don't make it to work.

So the mechanic calls me and tells me what he found out. First thing he said is "you did tell me about the noise." There was no noise. So he explains everything to me, and I am expecting this outrageous bill with an engine rebuild, because it is me we are talking about and life had been throwing lemons at me lately. Chloe needs a new water pump, a new water pump pulley, and a new drive belt. Damage is less than seven bills. She will be ready tomorrow by the time I done with PT.

PTSD

6/20/2017 at 6:30 in the morning I was rear-ended, and not in a good way, at a red light. The guy was going full speed, about 45 or 50 miles per hour. The ground was wet and I heard his tires screeching look forward and grab my steering wheel and just waited for impact hoping that it wasn't going to happen. It happened with such force that my car was pushed into the intersection 10ft and his skid marks were 20 ft long so I guesstimate that he hit me going about 25 miles an hour. I felt the pain come shooting through my skull and neck.

So I turned on my hazards, turned off my car, got out of my car, looked at the damage, yelled "fuck" went up to him, he was still in his car, and said "are you okay?" with the most sincerity that I could possibly muster because I was actually hoping he was okay. He said he was fine he looked at my car and he says "your car is fine" I'm like "my car is not fine your car is not fine look at our bumpers."

So I go back into my car and grab my phone and call nine-one-one. Since we are blocking the intersection nine-one-one told us to move our cars off the street and we do and now we're waiting on the police to show up. When they do show up all the sudden this man who was speaking perfect English to me now all the sudden there's no English and neither does his passenger. No problem for Apex's finest, he called for an interpreter. I gave the police officer my license registration and insurance information right off the bat because I have nothing to hide and I did nothing wrong and the driver of the car gave him a Mexican ID. And I was like "great the guy is from out of the country and has no insurance I'm going to be screwed." Since it is started sprinkling the officers let everybody stay in their cars while they did their business. The officer finally comes to my car to give me the police report saying that is obviously in the other guy's fault because duh, I noticed Insurance written under his name. So I asked the cop about it. He says they're in a work vehicle so the work truck has got insurance while they don't so the work truck has to pay for all damages. I tell the officer that I'm injured in my neck and that I'm going to be going to the doctor once they are open and to make note of it. He sends me on my way.

I get to the doctor that day my doctor was not available so I had another doctor which is okay and she says I have whiplash and orders physical therapy and gives me two prescriptions. Physical therapy is a godsend. I feel so relaxed and in no pain after I leave there it is amazing. I'm keeping up with all the exercises they give me to do at home and my neck went from a pain level of four to or one or two, my headache is gone completely, but the back pain is now 6.

I've not been sleeping since the wreck. I can fall asleep just fine, but I wake up every 45 minutes to an hour startled up from bad dreams of being in wrecks pr having to have my feet on the floor to feel grounded or God knows why I just wake up and it's driving me nuts. I also feel extremely nervous in cars. I keep seeing wrecks happening when they're not happening. I feel like a basket case. Every time I have to slow down for a red light I think someone is going to hit me again. So I went back to the doctor and this time I did get my Dr and he put me on ativan again but a very low dose to take at night to help me sleep. He diagnosed me with PTSD. That was now 7 or 8 days ago and I'm still not sleeping. So yesterday I went back to the doctor and again my doctor was not there so I got a different doctor and she prescribed me a medicine that is old school and doesn't have any interactions with other things I'm on and it should keep me out all night. But the pharmacy had to order it and I won't get it until Wednesday it makes me really sad and angry because what am I supposed to do between now and then? I haven't slept in over 2 weeks now. I can't do this much longer. Omgosh. PTSD sucks.

If this doesn't work I'm going back to see my doctor Thursday or Friday.

Where was my help?

Where was my help when I needed it so bad?  As many times as I have come rushing to help out family, dropping the hat even, why would no one come rescue me from him?  I was being held CAPTIVE. Was everyone too scared of him to face him and rescue me?  I guess so.  I had to call the cops on him, and then call a friend to rescue me from the hell that he was putting me though.  I had to rescue me.  Me, the person who had just gotten out of the hospital from another tragic event.  Me, who was being shuffled house to house to be looked after.  What was supposed to be a safe place ended up being an asylum.  Where were you?  Where were any of you?  Am I now going to detest the month of October for the rest of my life since he did this to me then?  I can't get the images out of my head.  He hit me.  He fucking hit ME.  Me, who was already is so much physical pain, and emotional trauma.  Me, who was fragile.  Where were  you?  Two tragic and traumatic events so close to each other.  It is a wonder that I can function today.  Actually, today I am not functioning too well.  In general I am barely functioning with the head and neck and arm pain I feel constantly. Let's just throw PTSD on top of that and have the one person who was supposed to be taking care of me destroy me.  Where were you?  Where was my help when I needed it so badly?

2014 in Review

I'm not even sure I can write this.  So much has happened that was bad between July and now that I don't want to relive.  I continue to be sick with the doctors having trouble figuring out what is causing all my continuous pain.  I am being forced to move in with friends due to financial reasons.  So allow me to try and focus on the good that might have happened in 2014.

Well it ended really good.  I kissed Barry on stage at midnight in front of a crowd of people.  Embarrassing him is always a wonderful thing.  He took me with him to shoot a band in Williamston, NC, which is an hour and an half east of here by car, in the middle of nowhere.  The venue was called Deadwood, a Western Theme Park.  Unfortunately all the ride were closed down for the season, and I didn't get to walk around to see everything it had to offer.  We got there, I said hello to the guys in the band that I did know, was introduced to the three I didn't, and then Barry gave me a camera to help him shoot the show so I wasn't bored all night.  It was fun, taking pictures, goofing off with the band, drinking Michelob Light (yuck! but it was the best beer they offered).  They called all the single ladies to the stage (turned out it was all the ladies in the bar!) and I was behind the drum rig taking pictures, when all of a sudden all the lights on the stage go out.  I though it was a part of the show since they had an amazing light show.  As I walked back to the side of the stage Barry comes running over to me "You knocked out the lights!"  The lights had already been turned on by then, but I was like "oops, my bad".  Still can't figure out how I did that.  We had both been walking back there all night getting different shots and I guess I finally hit the right cord.  I told Barry I did the band a favor since there wasn't a whole lot of pretty on the stage, anyways.  The show ended later than anticipated, we got home later than anticipated (well past 4 am), and I passed out.  It was a really fun night and I am glad I went.  It was a goo end to a horrible year.  Barry has that effect on me.

I was able to spend a lot of time with my parents this year.  That is a good thing.  The premise of my time with them was not, but my time with them was good.  They helped me a lot with my illness and paperwork and red tape.

I made new friends who are also helping me in dealing with my illness. Lots of phone conversations and emails filled with support.

I have learned, again, who my real friends are. Those who are willing to drop everything and help me.  I would do the same for them.

If I were to write about the negatives of 2014 this could go on forever.  I don't want to harp on them, nor do I want to remember them.

2014 had kicked me, slapped me, and dragged me through the dirt.  I am glad it is over.  I can only hope that 2015 will bring hope and healing for me so I can get my life back. I hope that 2015 will continue to strengthen the bonds I have with the friends I have in my life now, and with the people I will meet this year.

I felt better yesterday

Yesterday I felt better.

I woke up and sat on the porch and enjoyed what seemed like an Oasis at my Parent's house.  My father took my to a medical massage appointment.  She was able to recreate the awful pain in my head and neck by pinching the the large muscle in the front of my neck.  I was crying through most of the hour session.  She thinks that the front neck muscles are cramping and causing the all the pain and trauma to the head and neck and the doctors and injecting and treating the wrong muscles.

We then went to my apartment to pick up some paperwork and there was this strange smell when we walked in that I could not pin point.  It was everywhere.  We think it is coming from the basement.  I cannot access the basement so I emailed my landlord and asked her if she could check it out.

My medications yesterday:

Toradol, Doxycycline, Topamax, Neurontin, Ativan, Imitrex

Hmm,, I don't think I even took a percocet yesterday because I wanted to see how much the massage would help me.

I felt better yesterday.  But when I woke up this morning I wanted to cry again.  I did some stretches that the massage therapist showed me before I crawled out of bed then slowly walked out to the back porch.  Now just trying to relax a bit before I go back inside and start filling my body with drugs again.  Been awake for an hour now.  Woke up at 6am.  No one else will be awake until at least 8am.  I kinda wish they were awake now.  The pain is really bad today.